The Odd and the Weird
by Marj
Summary: Experiences the Sakura Taisen cast go through when encountering particularly odd or weird events or machines used in the series
1. The Dressing Tube: Kanna

_Author's Notes:_   
I had long been bothered about several things in the Sakura Taisen game when I played it on the Sega Saturn a few years back. Playing it again on the PS2 just recently brought back my obsession for this series... along with all its random weirdness. So I came up with this fic, just to express my thoughts on what happened to the characters of Sakura Taisen when they first encountered these odd events that the game took for granted.  
  
Just an additional note, I made use only of the original characters (Sakura, Sumire, Kohran, Iris, Kanna, Maria, and Oogami) at this point because I'm more familiar with them than with all the others.  
  
Special thanks to Lando (Kayama), who had translated the entire game during its Sega days. I wouldn't have enjoyed the game as much as I had if it wasn't for his helpful notes.  
  
_Disclaimer:_ Sakura Taisen is owned by Sega and Red Company. I am not making a profit out of this fanfic, but still, this particular story is mine, so please don't take it.  
  
----------  
  
**The Odd and the Weird  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"The Dressing Tube: Kanna"**  
  
----------  
  
"And over here is the location of the tubes," Sakakibara Yuri said.  
  
Kirishima Kanna, the first member of the newly formed Teikoku Kagekidan Hanagumi to arrive at the (1)Dai Teikoku Gekijou, paused inside the room and noted the round metal lids covering several sections of the semi-circular wall. The interior of the area was quite a contrast compared to the rest of the theater - there was virtually nothing in it except for those lids, and the entire perimeter was colored with a drab gray. No wonder the place was hidden so well, so much in fact that one couldn't see it even if he had a bird's eye view of the entire Teigeki floor plan.  
  
Kanna turned to her tour guides, the three theatre administration girls known as the (2)Teigeki Sannin Musume, and gave them her huge, trademark grin. "So... what's this place for? Do we throw our garbage down there, or something?"  
  
Yuri and Takamura Tsubaki giggled, where as Fuji'i Kasumi politely covered her smile with her hand. "No," Tsubaki answered after the last of her giggles had dissipated. "This is where you jump into in times of emergency."  
  
"Jump down?"  
  
"These tubes lead directly into the briefing room below," Kasumi explained. "I believe the logic was that sliding down these shafts would be faster than running down the stairs."  
  
"Makes sense," Kanna agreed, opening one of the lids to take a closer look...  
  
Her eyes widened. "Hold on a sec. These aren't slides! There's not enough angle!"  
  
Kasumi shrugged. "The faster you fall, the faster you get there."  
  
"Yeah, sure. And then you land with broken bones! I'd rather take the stairs!"  
  
Yuri shook her head. "You can't," she said. "Going down these tubes is required."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because they have your uniform in it."  
  
"What uniform?"  
  
Tsubaki giggled again. "The uniform you should wear when piloting the koubu, silly!"  
  
Kanna scratched her head. "So let me get this straight. They expect us to jump down these killer tubes, grab our uniforms along the way, try to dress up in that tight space while falling down in the speed of gravity, and come up at the briefing room unscathed, fully clothed, without any injuries whatsoever?"  
  
"Well... not exactly," Kasumi said.  
  
"There's more?!"  
  
"Not really. It's just that the clothing part is... well... automatic."  
  
Kanna looked even more confused.  
  
Tsubaki tried to explain. "We're assuming that... automatic means that you don't have to do anything about changing your clothes, because something in there does it for you."  
  
"The Kazegumi never really needed to get to the briefing room as fast as possible, so we take the normal route," Kasumi added. "We were only told about that particular automatic function in the tube so that we would be aware of it, but we never tried it ourselves."  
  
A vein in Kanna's forehead began to twitch. "Are... are these things actually tested?"  
  
The three girls in front of him shrugged. Yuri had a wicked gleam in her eye. "Do you want to try?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Yuri rushed forward to push Kanna into the open hole, but Kanna was too quick. She swung the lid she held upwards and quickly moved forward a bit, causing Yuri to miss and fall on the floor. Kanna laughed heartily.  
  
"You can't play a trick like that on the current master of Kirishima Ryuukyuu Kara-"  
  
**_BONG!!!_**  
  
Now, all hinges has its limits, and this one was no exception. With the force of gravity guiding it on its trek back to its original position, the heavy lid encountered an obstacle in the form of Kirishima Kanna, its force sending her sprawling into the hole Yuri had wanted to push her into in the first place.  
  
The Teigeki Sannin Musume peeked into the abyss from which they could hear Kanna screaming of bloody murder.  
  
"The lid is dangerous if left in manual control... better tell the manager about that..." Kasumi noted.  
  
"Yuri, if I were you, I would ask to be relocated to somewhere far, far away... right at this very instant," Tsubaki whispered.  
  
Yuri nodded very slowly, before Kasumi closed the lid, and the three silently walked away, as if nothing had ever happened.  
  
----------  
  
Lieutenant-General Yoneda Ikki, better known as "manager" to the people inside the Teigeki, was in the briefing room, looking at the portraits that covered the holes where the Hanagumi members were expected to appear after their brief ride down the dressing tube. He was proud of this "short-cut" - it was one of his better suggestions when the grand theatre was still in its blueprint stages, and he was quite sure it would save them valuable time... time needed to defeat the evil that was growing within Teito Tokyo.  
  
He was concentrated so much on its benefits that he didn't think too much about the people who would actually use it. So when one portrait went up and Kanna - in her uniform - shot out of the hole hidden behind it and landed on her behind, he didn't expect to see her dazed, wide-eyed, and totally speechless.  
  
"Ahh! You must be Kanna!" Yoneda said, a little too cheerfully. "So, how was your trip down the dressing tube? Pretty unique, don't you think?"  
  
Kanna took one look at Yoneda before she promptly fainted.  
  
_--Tsuzuki--  
_  
----------  
  
_Story Notes:_  
(1) - "Great Imperial Theatre", nicknamed "Teigeki"  
(2) - "The 3 Daughters of Teigeki", consisting of Kasumi, Tsubaki, and Yuri 


	2. The Dressing Tube: Maria

_Author's Notes:_  
Before Oogami came along, Maria was the commander of the Hanagumi, which is why I considered her as such in this chapter.  
  
_Disclaimer:_ Sakura Taisen is owned by Sega and Red Company. I am not making a profit out of this fanfic, but still, this particular story is mine, so please don't take it.  
  
----------  
  
**The Odd and the Weird  
  
Chapter 2  
  
"The Dressing Tube: Maria"**  
  
----------  
  
Maria Tachibana looked at one of her companions who helped guide her around the Teigeki. Although her face didn't show it, deep inside she was actually concerned. Kanna, who started out quite energetically when the tour began, suddenly looked quite apprehensive as Kasumi and Tsubaki brought them to the last room on the second floor which they haven't visited yet.  
  
Tsubaki noted the sweat forming on Kanna's forehead and laughed. "Kanna-san, surely you must be used to the tube by now! You've been trying to conquer it every single day for the past week since you first went in!"  
  
"That doesn't mean I've grown used to it yet!" Kanna snapped, cracking her huge knuckles together. "That Yuri... if I ever get my hands on her..."  
  
Kasumi smiled. "Now, now, Kanna-san. That's the reason why Yuri is still avoiding you. She has already apologized quite profusely. Besides, I think her acting as your personal assistant for the past seven days had taught her a lesson."  
  
"Maybe, but she hasn't experienced what actually happens down there!" Kanna argued. "The dark space, the long flight down... those... ugh... cold... metallic..." Kanna paused and shuddered with the memory of her first flight down.  
  
Maria cleared her throat. "Excuse me," she said quietly.  
  
The others were startled, eventually remembering that they had a companion who knew nothing of what they were talking about. "I'm really sorry, Maria-san. We were just talking about a... traumatic experience Kanna-san had during her first visit here," Kasumi explained.  
  
"You make it sound as if it had been so incredibly bad," Kanna complained, sniffing.  
  
"But it was!" Tsubaki giggled.  
  
The newly appointed captain of the Hanagumi just raised her eyebrows.  
  
The group soon arrived at the hidden room with the semi-circular walls covering the tubes. "And these are?" Maria asked, looking at the metal lids covering the entrances to the tunnels with a critical eye, business-minded as usual.  
  
"Tunnels which leads you directly to the briefing room, to be used during alerts or emergencies," Kasumi informed her.  
  
"Your uniforms are in there, and will automatically replace your clothes as you jump down," Tsubaki pointed out, making it seem more simple than it really was.  
  
Kanna shuddered again.  
  
Maria inspected the metal lid convering the tunnel, before turning around to face her guides. She hadn't even bothered looking at what was beyond the lid, unlike what Kanna had done. "Is there anything like this on the first floor?" she asked.  
  
"Yes," Kasumi said.  
  
Kanna suddenly had a nice little vision of jumping down the chute from the first floor and not having enough "falling time" to end up fully dressed by the time they reach the briefing room. _Unless those... ugh... things work even faster than before_, she thought, grimacing, deciding then and there never to use the tunnels on the first floor.  
  
Maria, however, just gave a crisp nod. Her fellow Hanagumi began to wonder if she even heard what Tsubaki had said about the tubes "automatically replacing their clothes".  
  
"Who was it that had thought of these devices?" Maria asked as they began to walk out of the hidden room.  
  
"(1)Yoneda-shihainin did," Tsubaki answered.  
  
"Yoneda-shihainin..." Maria muttered. Then, as if realizing something, she looked inquiringly at her companions. "Where is (2)Yoneda-chujo anyway? I haven't seen him yet, and I had been expecting that I would be seeing him first."  
  
"He's at the basement, at the briefing room, waiting for you," Kasumi said. "We'll be joining him shortly, after we've finished touring the basement."  
  
Maria moved closer to the lid bearing her name and placed a gloved hand upon it. "You say this leads to the briefing room?"  
  
"Yes, but-"  
  
Much to Tsubaki, Kasumi, and Kanna's surprise, Maria opened the lid and jumped in without hesitation.  
  
"Oh, jeez!!" Kanna exclaimed, shocked, looking down at the chasm from which she had entered. Worried about the possible mental state of her commander as she haven't been given ample warning of what she would encounter within the tube (Kanna herself felt as if she would be scarred for life because of that tunnel), she gathered her courage and jumped into her own hole in an effort to get to Maria as quickly as she could.  
  
Kanna soon discovered that her worries actually took her attention off the various metal hands which took off her clothes and outfitted her with her uniform (which had scared her quite nicely during her first try). In a few seconds, her eyes saw the opening to the briefing room, and she popped out of the hole, this time landing neatly on the floor.  
  
"Kanna! Nice to see that you're finally getting used to the dressing tube!" Yoneda said, grinning at her. He was standing near the briefing table with Maria standing right beside him, holding a gun in her hand.  
  
"Maria! Are you okay?!" Kanna asked concernedly, completely ignoring Yoneda.  
  
Maria gave her a questioning gaze. "Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?"  
  
"It's just that you just jumped, and I haven't even had the chance to tell you about those damn metal thingies, and... wait a sec, did you just use your gun?!"  
  
The Russian - who had just opened the barrel of her gun to release the empty shells within it - raised an eyebrow at Kanna. "Yes. Why?"  
  
"What the heck did you use it for? And... and... how come you're not in uniform?!"  
  
"Come to think of it..." Yoneda said, finally noticing that Maria was wearing a thick coat and gloves instead of having clothes similar to Kanna's. "Why aren't you in uniform?"  
  
Kanna's eyes widened as the possibility of what the Hanagumi commander had done dawned upon her. "You couldn't have..."  
  
She rushed towards the empty portrait where Maria should have appeared earlier and forced it up. The tunnel opened, and various machine parts which looked suspiciously like parts of several metal hands fell to the floor.  
  
Kanna and Yoneda could only stare speechless at the bullet-ridden machines as Maria holstered her weapon. "Chujo? If we may please continue my briefing?" she said, turning around so that they wouldn't see the redness that was creeping up her cheeks.  
  
"Uhh... yes, right, your briefing..." Yoneda said, flustered.  
  
A huge grin found itself on Kanna's face. _Well, what do you know? I like her already!_  
  
_--Tsuzuki--_  
  
----------  
  
_Story Notes:_  
(1) - Manager Yoneda  
(2) - Lieutenant General Yoneda 


	3. The Dressing Tube: Iris

_Author's Notes: _  
Granted, Iris arrived at the Teigeki about a year before Sakura did, so I'm assuming that she's 8 years old when she appeared at the OVA.  
  
I apologize in advance if I'm ever coming up with relatively short chapters, and/or if they're not detailed enough (especially when compared with my other fanfics), and/or if each is not properly checked for errors. I work on each chapter on a whim whenever I do not have something to do at the office, so I don't really plan ahead as I normally do when writing stories.  
  
To RVD and Kamui Archetype - Thanks for your reviews! I really appreciate them, and I'm glad you like the fic so far! Btw, RVD, I just thought you should know that I'm a girl. (smiles)  
  
_Disclaimer:_ Sakura Taisen is owned by Sega and Red Company. I am not making a profit out of this fanfic, but still, this particular story is mine, so please don't take it.  
  
----------  
  
**The Odd and the Weird  
  
Chapter 3  
  
"The Dressing Tube: Iris"  
**  
----------  
  
Maria stood at one corner of the still slightly bare salon room as she watched Kanna give the newest member of the Hanagumi a somewhat detailed - if not completely biased - description of what would take place in the dressing tube the moment they jump down in it. After their earlier experience with the tunnel, both had voted unanimously that the tube be removed from the tour the Teigeki Sannin Musume gave upon arrival, and had taken it upon themselves to make sure the unwary new personnel would be well-informed of it before any actual leaping would take place.  
  
"So, any questions?" Kanna asked, looking at her "student". Although she claims not to be a child, it did not erase the fact that Iris Chateaubriand was only 8 years old, and Kanna expected her to at least be a little scared and have plenty of inquiries.  
  
Iris tilted her head and looked at Kanna innocently.  
  
"Go on, you can ask me anything! I've been through it more than anybody else had, so you can consider me an expert in this subject!" Kanna boasted.  
  
"How does it dress you up?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"How does the tunnel dress you up?" Iris asked.  
  
Kanna was a little disappointed - it didn't seem as if Iris had listened to her accounts earlier. "Well, there are these metal hands that appear in particular parts of the tunnel, and each has a specific purpose..."  
  
"No, no, that's not what Iris meant," Iris said. "Iris wanted to know how those hands know that you're there... how they know how to remove your clothes and how they know how to put your uniform on... that sort of thing."  
  
"Uhhhh..."  
  
Kanna was speechless. Whatever question she expected to hear, this wasn't one of them.  
  
Maria, seeing that Kanna was having difficulties answering the question, attempted to help. "The entire process is automatic, Iris," she said. "The machines had been... 'taught' how to do those movements."  
  
"But what if we wore different clothes everytime we go in there? Had it been taught how to undress all kinds of clothes?"  
  
Maria and Kanna looked at each other helplessly...  
  
"Or are there people who can watch from another place and move the hands to do the dressing for you? Which I hope not, because that's bad!"  
  
Kanna gave an audible gulp, whereas Maria's eyes widened. During their past few weeks of "training sessions" with those accursed tubes, not once had they thought of the possibility Iris had just mentioned.  
  
"Of... of course not! That wouldn't be called 'automatic' then, right, Maria?" Kanna said, a little too confidently.  
  
Maria was still too shocked with Iris' comment to answer.  
  
"A-anyway, Iris, would you like to try it now? We've told you all you need to know," Kanna placed her hands on Iris' shoulders and began pushing her towards the hidden room.  
  
Iris protested. "But you haven't answered Iris' question yet!"  
  
----------  
  
"Here we are!" Kanna announced as she, Iris, and Maria came to a halt in front of an unnamed tube. She took out a nameplate where Iris' name is written and slid it in place with flourish. "Kasumi told me that this will be your dressing tube. It's all set, and your Hanagumi uniform is down there, waiting for you to wear it!"  
  
"But-"  
  
"No 'buts' now, Iris. All of us need to go down this tube. It's... it's a requirement as a Hanagumi!" Kanna fibbed.  
  
The little French girl still looked quite skeptical, and for a long time she just stared at Kanna. Just when Kanna was beginning to feel quite uncomfortable, Iris suddenly nodded. "Iris can bring Jean Paul along, right?"  
  
"Jean Paul... the bear? Uhh..."  
  
"I'm sure you can," Maria said, smiling weakly. "The tube should know what to do with him."  
  
Maria, too, got an inquisitive stare from Iris, before the girl attempted to open the lid to her tube. Kanna noted that it was a little too heavy for her and had moved to help her lift it, but just before she could do so, Iris used her mental powers to do the deed. Taking one, deep, long breathe, Iris clutched Jean Paul tightly to her, before finally taking the leap.  
  
After she had gone, Maria went to her tube and placed a hand on the lid's handle, but could not bring herself to lift it up. She bit her lip, angry at herself. What were all those weeks of "training" for if in the end she could not jump down again just because of what an innocent little girl had said?  
  
"What do you think?" Maria heard Kanna ask.  
  
She looked up. Kanna couldn't jump down either, much less even stand a few meters in front of her own lid.  
  
"Stairs...?"  
  
"Stairs."  
  
The two elder Hanagumi members began sprinting for the stairs and ran their way down. In Kanna's current point of view, she'd rather accidentally fall and break her leg or something on the steps than jump down the tube again.  
  
----------  
  
Given the fact that it took Maria and Kanna days of preparation before deciding that Iris was ready to jump down the tunnel, Yoneda was expecting a better turn out from the dressing tube this time. Somehow, though, he wasn't that surprised when Iris ended up extremely quiet after coming out of her channel in her uniform.   
  
She didn't faint like Kanna, nor did it seem as if she blew anything up (Yoneda had checked). Iris just calmly walked to one of the chairs in the briefing room after she had landed on her knees, sat, then waited, for what Yoneda wasn't sure. And with the blank look on the young girl's face, he didn't feel up to it to ask.  
  
It wasn't long before Kanna and Maria appeared in the briefing room, both slightly out of breath from running down three flights of stairs. "So, Iris... how was it?" Kanna asked between gulps of air.  
  
Iris slowly turned her head towards Kanna, the blank look on her face now replaced by sheer hatred. "Liar..."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Iris felt she was being watched! Iris knows these things! Kanna lied to Iris!!"  
  
"But... but... but!!"  
  
"Iris, she didn't know...!" Maria tried to explain.  
  
"Ohhh... nooo!!" Yoneda exclaimed as Iris' explosive spiritual power gathered around the girl...  
  
_**BOOM!!!**_  
  
----------  
  
Yuri looked up from helping Kasumi organize the Secretarial Office. "Did you feel that?"  
  
"I felt that, too! The floor just shook... is it an earthquake?" Tsubaki asked, leaving her broom from where she had been sweeping as she ran towards her companions.  
  
The Teigeki Sannin Musume paused and held their breath for a few seconds. But it didn't seem as if there would be any other tremors aside from the first one, so they all dismissed it as a minor quake and went back to their daily routines.  
  
A few minutes later, they heard that there was an explosion in the briefing room, and that Maria, Kanna, and Yoneda were treated for light burns.  
  
A day later, they heard that Kanna, Maria, and Iris had all staged an attack in one of the rooms at the lower basement where the hangar was.  
  
It was the people in that room who usually informed Kasumi which tube to assign to which Hanagumi.  
  
One can only guess what those men had done to have angered those girls so.  
  
_--Tsuzuki--_


	4. The Dressing Tube: Sumire

_Author's Notes:_  
Thanks for all the reviews, everyone! I left some comments on the reviews beneath the story, so that the pre-story notes wouldn't be too long! (grin)  
  
My office hours had been quite filled with work for the past few days, but I was lucky enough to find some extra boring time today. Sorry if Iris seems a little out of place, but I somehow couldn't find a way to give her more scripts than the awful few below. I suppose I'm having difficulties imagining her spending time with Maria, Sumire, and Kanna, since I see her with Sakura and Kohran more.  
  
Oh, I finally got a copy of Sakura Taisen 4 and played it over the weekend. I giggled madly when I saw that huge gun at the Arc de Triomphe. Kamui Archetype, just wait until I get a copy of ST3! XD  
  
Here's to hoping that the ST2 I ordered from Yesasia would be delivered tomorrow and reach my mailbox soon!!  
  
_Disclaimer: _Sakura Taisen is owned by Sega and Red Company. I am not making a profit out of this fanfic, but still, this particular story is mine, so please don't take it.  
  
----------  
  
**The Odd and the Weird  
  
Chapter 4  
  
"The Dressing Tube: Sumire"**  
  
----------  
  
"O-hohohohoho!"  
  
Maria, Kanna, and Iris looked up as their newest teammate gave them one of what was by now her trademark laugh.  
  
Yoneda had just recently updated the Hanagumi about the development of the koubu, and the group had been talking about it at the salon. Kanna had just wondered out loud whether or not the spirit armor would be difficult to move, when her thoughts had been interrupted by Kanzaki Sumire.  
  
"Well, for a brute like Kanna-san, I would be surprised if it would move at all," Sumire said, spreading her fan wide open and using it to cover the sly grin on her face.  
  
Kanna's hands formed into fists as she glared at the girl in front of her.  
  
They had been at each other's throats ever since their less-than-courteous introduction barely three weeks had passed. Sumire's spoiled, arrogant demeanor irked Kanna just as much as her brash over-confidence annoyed Sumire. It got so bad, it was impossible for them not to fight when they get within a couple of meters with each other. Even Iris - who highly disapproved of fighting (and usually emphasizing her point with volatile results) - had grown tired of releasing her explosive energy whenever they argued.  
  
Anyway, it didn't seem as if things would be any different now. How noisy the Teigeki had been ever since Sumire had arrived!  
  
"I'd like to see you do better than any of us!" Kanna growled at the younger girl.  
  
"Why, Kanna-san, who do you think I am?" Sumire asked.  
  
"You're the daughter of the president of the Kanzaki Heavy Industries, who developed the koubus, loaned the steam machines used to build the Teigeki, funded a huge part of our budget... find someone who cares, why don't you?!" Kanna roared, standing up from her chair. She didn't think she could stand another round of how the Teikoku Kagekidan wouldn't exist without the Kanzaki group. She has had enough of Sumire's boasts to last for years.  
  
"My, do I detect jealousy?"  
  
"Your family may have had a huge part in forming this group, but you yourself had nothing to offer at all!"  
  
This time it was Sumire who stood up in anger. "Ho... how dare you say that! I'll have you know that the development of the koubus probably would have been scrapped if it were not for me!"  
  
Maria's eyebrows shot up with this newest bit of information. "How so?"  
  
The Hanagumi captain's even tone seemed to have calmed Sumire somewhat, as she flipped her hair over her shoulder and resumed the haughty look she sported earlier. "I happen to be the first person to ever pilot a koubu. Those bulky machines were just pieces of junk which not even the officer with the highest spiritual power in the army could move until I came along!"  
  
Kanna snorted. "You've got so much hot air, it must have helped with the koubu's steaming system," she grumbled.  
  
Needless to say, Sumire and Kanna got into another fight.  
  
"You act as if you're all womanly and everything, but the fact is that you're more cunning than a snake!" Kanna snapped.  
  
"Well, what about you, you big gorilla!" Sumire angrily replied. "Maybe I should ask them to give you the pink koubu - maybe that would bring out the femininity within you. As if _that_ even exists!"  
  
Maria sighed. She glanced at Iris, who was sitting beside her on the sofa, glaring at both Sumire and Kanna. Instincts told the Russian to subtly slide a little farther away from the young French girl - the explosions may have stopped, but it could only have been dormant, and may once more awaken at any given time.  
  
"No matter what you say, you, your family, and your family's business are not perfect!" Kanna argued.  
  
"I beg to differ! I dare you to give me at least one example of a machine my family created which had not improved the lives of any of the people in Japan!"  
  
Kanna opened her mouth, but no sound came out. Sumire was right - at least, as far as she knew, everything the Kanzaki Heavy Industries had produced had benefited the populace, and had escalated Japan into the industrialized nation that it was at that time.  
  
"Speechless now, aren't we?" Sumire said triumphantly. "As I've said before, even you owe the existence of the Teigeki and everything within it to my family. And with all I've contributed, I'm surprised they didn't consider asking me to lead this group - no offense, Maria-san."  
  
Maria chose to ignore Sumire's statement.  
  
"Ah, yes, but I suppose being the top-star of the Hanagumi is enough for me. After all, I shine the brightest underneath the stage, and in the middle of a heated battle! My superior talents would be wasted if I spent my time distributing less-competent people into the battlefield. O-hohohohoho!"  
  
_If Sumire is trying to be modest, it isn't working,_ Iris noted with a sweatdrop.  
  
Kanna still stood there silently, processing what Sumire had said earlier. "Everything within the Teigeki..."  
  
_Everything...?_  
  
Kanna smiled.  
  
"Hey, Sumire!"  
  
Sumire stopped laughing from behind her fan and, after seeing Kanna grinning like a mad-woman, gave Kanna looks of deepest loathing. "What?"  
  
"I know one type of Kanzaki-made machine that didn't improve any lives at all."  
  
----------  
  
Sumire looked at the lids covering the entrances to the dressing tubes with disinterest. "And you brought me here why?"  
  
Kanna leaned against one of the metal covers and tapped it. It was the first time Maria and Iris had seen Kanna actually enjoying herself in that room. "Coming from the Kanzaki group, you do know what these are, right?"  
  
"Ah, yes. The infamous dressing tubes. What about them?" Sumire asked, looking very bored.  
  
"What about them?!" Kanna repeated incredelously. "Didn't you have any idea how they were considered '_infamous_'?? These things had been nothing but trouble from the very start!"  
  
"They served their purpose, didn't they?"  
  
"But they certainly didn't make our lives any better. We drop ourselves in there, and metal hands undress us... metal hands operated by _men_, for crying out loud!! If you consider _that_ an improvement on our lives, then I shudder to think of what you consider inconvenient!"  
  
After being reminded of that incident, Iris shuddered, while Maria silently growled.  
  
"See! Even they agree with me!" Kanna pointed out.  
  
"Well, you can hardly blame the company for creating those when it was the shihainin who had requested them, can you?" Sumire said, still looking pretty confident. "Besides. From what I heard, these had just been replaced by machinery containing the latest in scanning technology - the results of hours of hours of research by the company's top scientists. It should be fully automated, and completely flawless! Surely you must have already tried it. They had been reinstalled before I got drafted for the team!"  
  
Kanna, Maria, and Iris looked at each other uncomfortably. They were too horrified about Iris' revelation with the previous tunnels that none of them wanted to risk jumping into them ever again, whether they were new or not.  
  
Sumire laughed heartily when she saw the uneasy looks on her teammate's faces. "So this is what the rest of the Hanagumi is composed of? If you can't even stay inside a tunnel for a few seconds, how will you be when you're stuck inside a koubu for hours' end?"  
  
"Iris is not scared!!" Iris immediately protested.  
  
"This is a matter of dignity!" Kanna added.  
  
This didn't stop Sumire from chuckling. "Whatever," she said, sweeping the length of her purple kimono off to one side. "Now that I've seen how timid my teammates are, I suppose now I'm aware that I have my work cut out for me."  
  
She was already leaving the room when Maria's voice stopped her. "Hold on."  
  
Sumire raised her eyebrows at the blond leader. "What is it?"  
  
"Seeing as you seem to know more about these new dressing tubes than we do, why don't you give us a demonstration?" Maria said casually.  
  
_Ack...!!_  
  
Maria's face was so passive, one couldn't tell if she had other intentions other than what she had said.  
  
Kanna's eyes, however, had suddenly brightened. "Yes, that's right!" she exclaimed. "Before they had been changed, I made it a point to inform everyone about these tubes, since I used to know more about them... or I _thought_ I did..." Kanna's voice had lowered at the last line she had said. "But anyway, you know oh so much about these state-of-the-art machines, so surely you wouldn't _deny_ us _uneducated_ people the benefit of _seeing how it works_, would you?"  
  
Kanna had said all that in such a sweet, sickening voice, Sumire thought her tooth was going to ache.  
  
"_Pleeease_?" Iris pleaded.  
  
"B-but..." Sumire stammered.  
  
Kanna gleefully looked on as Sumire tried to come up with an good excuse to save face. _Except that there isn't any!_ she thought.  
  
"Sumire, as a member of a group, one of your duties should be to inform the rest of your teammates with knowledge which would highly benefit them," Maria reasoned. "Despite protests, Yoneda-chuujo had made it protocol to jump into these tubes in times of emergency. Your assistance would be of great value to us."  
  
Sumire looked away. "Well, if you put it that way... I suppose I should show all of you that these tunnels are nothing to be afraid of, shouldn't I? Ah, the hassles of being the role model!"  
  
"Oh, just shut up and jump!" Kanna grumbled.  
  
"_Hmph_! Fine! I shall see you in the briefing room!" Sumire shot back. Standing in front of the tube bearing her name - the lid automatically opening for her (one of the updates installed in the tunnel), Sumire stared down the now dimly lighted cylinder. Her face slightly twitching, she closed her eyes in an expression of defiance, and jumped.  
  
Kanna still had a smirk on her face when she turned to look at Maria, who's face was as emotionless as ever. "Well, you may have been serious in your intentions to make her jump, but I thank you just the same!" Kanna told her.  
  
Maria stared at her.  
  
Kanna's smile faltered a little. "Wait. You _were_ serious, right?" The thought of the Hanagumi leader doing anything but was quite unnerving, even for Kanna.  
  
Maria just raised a questioning eyebrow at her before making her way down to the basement.  
  
----------  
  
It just so happened that Yoneda was in the briefing room, studying the newly installed computerized map of Tokyo, when Sumire had made her leap. Since there hadn't been any emergencies, and since he didn't expect that any one of the girls would try the dressing tubes anytime soon, that would explain why he hadn't been prepared to see one of the portraits rising up and - for lack of a better word - "spitting" out the "Top Star of the Hanagumi", and in such a state, too. He was then promptly kicked (or more appropriately, _screamed_) out of the briefing room by the said person, with Yoneda muttering all the while that it looks like the "full automation" of the dressing tubes didn't quite work out as its developers had planned.  
  
For the benefit of the audience, let's just say that when Kanna, Maria, and Iris had jumped down the tubes weeks ago, they at least came out of the tube fully clothed in their uniforms.  
  
Fortunately, Sumire was lucky enough that her kimono had fallen with her, although the metal hands had chosen to use it as a wrap for her body instead, making use of the obi to tie her up in it like a roll.  
  
Kanna couldn't remember the last time she laughed so hard.  
  
Sumire was right, at least - what the machine had just done had definitely improved Kanna's day.  
  
_--Tsuzuki--_  
  
----------  
  
_Post-Author's Notes:_  
  
_milchstrasse_ - Well, you guessed right - this chapter is about Sumire. (grin) And it really pleases me to hear that you thought the characters are in character.  
  
_Stelok_ - When I was first thinking about the story, Maria almost went first, (since in the OVA it could have been either one of them reaching the Teigeki first) but then I decided that perhaps Kanna would be a better character to start with, since I could play around with her (Maria's a little too serious). About the attraction you saw between Kanna and Maria on the 2nd chapter, please let me note that I'm not fond of shoujo-ai, but considering that this is a purely humor piece, don't let me stop you from your interpretation. (smile)  
  
_Kamui Archetype_ - After seeing that gun in ST4, I'm starting to wonder what else I can make fun of in ST3. (grin) Was that the one you wanted to see? Or is there something else of more interest?  
  
_RVD, Ouka Houshin, Hesquidor_ - I'm glad you all found it funny!  
  
To everyone, thanks again!! 


	5. The Dressing Tube: Kohran

_Author's Notes:_

Back after a year and half's hiatus... thank goodness the stories in each chapter can stand on their own!

This chapter took place just after Kanna had left to avenge her father's murder, on the day when Yoneda leaves for Sendai to ask Shinguuji Kazuma's mother (Katsura) and Kazuma's wife (Wakana) if he could bring his deceased colleague's only child (Sakura) to the imperial capital and help strengthen the ranks of the Hanagumi. Poor Yoneda - it must have been such a difficult choice for him to make, to be the one having to bear the news that it was now Sakura's time to fulfill the honorable but tragic destiny of all direct descendants of the Shinguuji family; and with him being all too aware of that "curse" and having been present during the last death in the family to boot. But we're not trying to be dramatic here, as this is supposed to be a comedy, so I won't dwell on that too much.

_Disclaimer:_ Sakura Taisen is owned by Sega and Red Company. I am not making a profit out of this fanfic, but still, this particular story is mine, so please don't take it.

* * *

**The Odd and the Weird**

**Chapter 5**

**"The Dressing Tube: Kohran"**

* * *

Vice Commander Fujieda Ayame watched as her superior officer solemnly wore his military cap. She followed his gaze towards an old black and white photograph that stood on his desk... four officers, Yoneda and herself included, in a relatively happy moment in time, captured when close friends and lovers were still alive despite the horrors that plagued the capital.

While the man that stood to her left in the picture tugged sorrowful strings in Ayame's heart, she knew that Yoneda was staring at another officer to the right - the one that looked at him amusedly as the older man made his playful pose in front of the camera.

"You don't have to do this," she said. "I can always look somewhere else."

"Nonsense," Yoneda scoffed. "There's no one better. You and I both know that."

"But don't you think we're already asking for too much?"

The manager made a shooing gesture with his right hand. "You let me worry about that. Just concentrate on getting those dressing tubes fixed by the time I get back."

"I have already brought Li Kohran here today to look into the problem, sir..."

* * *

"Hwaaaa! This is so incredibly _cool_!"

Maria, Sumire, and Iris stood with combined wonder and apprehension as they watched Kohran marvel at the confounded contraption. Their new fellow Hanagumi, who had heralded from the Hanayashiki branch, was perched half-way in the tube(which had been temporarily turned off) on a ladder that hung tentatively at the rim of the opening. The fact that Kohran had gone down the ladder willingly had astounded them, but it disturbed them even more when she began praising the "technological wonder", her reasons - all stated in mechanical lingo as she quite literally dissected the machine - bouncing off their heads and failing to register properly.

"It's amazing how the Kanzaki research teams were able devise 3D structured light scanners with near perfect coordinated points even when the subject is in motion! All that computation done within milliseconds... possibly even nanoseconds! I wonder how the computer was calibrated... it would be nice to see that later, especially the programming - surely there must be an AI of sort installed! Oh, here's the cylinder with the light projector..."

The three Hanagumi members eventually heard Kohran climbing back towards the top, her head popping up at the hole with a huge smile on her face. "Sumire-han, I commend the company's scientists! This is truly amazing, don't you think?"

Sumire laughed haughtily as usual, happy that she was given the chance to further augment her family's glory. There was, however, a slight hesitation in her voice. "O-of course! We only hire the best, after all!"

Once Kohran went back down, Iris tugged at Sumire's long kimono and whispered, "Did Sumire understand everything Kohran had said earlier?"

"I... that is... learning the mechanics underneath this monstrosity is of no use to a top star..." Sumire stammered.

Iris pouted. "That's what Sumire said earlier about the koubus, too."

Sumire sighed in defeat. When Kohran had first arrived in the theatre, the very first location she had visited had been the hangar, where the Hanagumi's koubus were kept. She had then raved on and on about the beauty of the inner workings of their unique spirit engines (which had been designed by a certain Yamazaki Shinnosuke), and the magnificent job the Kanzaki group had done in successfully combining such a complex device to that era's steam technology (in fact, her many praises for the company would have made Kanna gag, had she not temporarily left the Teigeki just a few days earlier for personal reasons). All that time, Kohran had expected Sumire to have a grasp of at least half of what she was saying, but the fact was that, as far as the top star of the Hanagumi was concerned, the technical genius could have already been talking in an entirely different language, and she wouldn't have known the difference between that and the jargon that she was hearing now.

Maria leaned against the open hole and looked down at Kohran, who was patching up a section of the tube which she had disassembled prior to her investigation. "Given all your detailed observations, were you able to figure out the defects within the machine?" she asked.

"Actually, Maria-han, there is nothing wrong with the device. At least, I don't think so," Kohran said, licking her lips as she screwed the last bolt in. She then patted the metal face fondly before ascending.

Sumire looked completely outraged. "Surely you must be mistaken! When I... when it was tested weeks ago, it had failed! _Miserably_, might I add!" she ranted quite lividly as she watched Kohran take out the ladder and close the lid.

"Hmm. When it was tested, did the automated hands act as if they were drunk and had randomly twisted the unfortunate subject and her present clothing into some sort of heinous result?"

Iris stiffled a giggle while the "subject" lost her glare and blushed. "Erm... well... yes, that is correct."

"Then it must be a problem with the power supply!" Kohran said enthusiastically. She eagerly ran towards an open panel located near the hidden door which led to the room. She had used this panel earlier to turn off the chute. Now, she practically ripped the interface off.

Maria looked questioningly at Sumire, who could only shrug cluelessly. "Umm, Kohran, what's wrong with the power supply?"

Kohran's eyes shone as she hacked her way through the wirings in front of her, completely altering (or practically removing) any safety measure in place. "See, a huge amount of sensors have been placed into each shaft. These scanners determine what kind of dress you have on - they're the eyes of a computer connected to the device which performs massive amounts of calculation to determine how to dress and undress you-"

"Your point being...?" Sumire interrupted, not wanting to go through yet another long lecture spoken in the mechanic's alien language.

"My point is, an extremely complex machinery such as this requires a huge amount of power for it to work properly." Kohran leaned back from her work and wiped her forehead, a huge smile on her face. "There! The tubes should work _perfectly_ now. All we have to do now is to switch it _ON_...!"

She pressed the ON button from one of the various parts that were scattered on the floor beside her feet (remnants of the panel she had dismantled). There was a discernable hum that wasn't present before as the dressing tubes came back to life, albeit with more juice running in their electrical veins.

Kohran looked highly pleased with herself. "Well? Who wants to go first?"

Maria, Sumire, and Iris shook their heads simultaneously.

The mechanic laughed. "I thought so. You're probably worried that it still wouldn't work as expected. That's why I brought this - !" She took out a life-sized, red-haired dummy of sorts from somewhere behind her back... "- as a test subject!"

There was a considerable amount of shocked silence as the Chinese inventor - having not seen Kanna before and was completely oblivious as to whom the doll resembles - proudly sat the figure in front of her.

Sumire blinked as she surveyed the Kanna-look-alike dummy. "Where on earth did you get _that_?"

Kohran shrugged. "Kasumi-han gave it to me. She said something about using it on the Mk. 1 dressing tube to show someone that it's nothing to be afraid of."

Maria had to summon all of her willpower in her struggle not to laugh (or even smile).

"Anyway, enough chit-chat! Let's try to get this thing working before Yoneda-han leaves for his trip!" Kohran moved towards a radio transmitter which was somehow spared from all the tinkering she had done in that room. "Yuri-han, Tsubaki-han, can you hear me at the briefing room?" she said into the receiver.

There was a short static before Tsubaki answered, "_Loud and clear, Kohran-san_!"

"We're sending our first subject down. Could you let us know if it's a success?"

"_No problem!_"

"All right then!" Kohran proceeded to drag the dummy towards one of the metal lids. "I'm sure Kanna-han wouldn't mind if we use her shaft first," she said, once again completely unaware that her choice was quite appropriate, given the doll she held. The lid, now powered, automatically raised itself in anticipation.

Sumire cleared her throat. "Umm... Kohran-san."

Kohran looked up from heaving the dummy into position. "Hmm?"

"Would you mind if I do the honors?"

Kohran grinned. "Why, be my guest, Sumire-han!"

Sumire smiled wickedly as she lifted the Kanna look-alike with minor difficulties and quite literally dumped it into the chasm, regardless of whatever its position was in (i.e. waist twisted and leaning all the way backwards; arms and legs entangled). "O-hohohohohohoho!"

The mechanic sweatdropped. "W-well... at least we get to see just how good the chute's sensors are..."

Seconds later, a burst of excitement emerged from the radio transmitter. Yuri and Tsubaki were both speaking so fast in high-pitched voices that the Hanagumi could barely understand what they were saying.

Maria took the receiver and tried to calm them down. "Please behave yourselves!" she commanded.

The sound of her stern voice had immediately quieted the two Kazegumi members.

"Now," Maria continued, a little bit gentler this time, "Tell us what you saw."

"_It worked, Maria-san!_" Yuri said breathelessly. "_The dummy came out all-dressed neatly in Kanna-san's uniform!_"

"_It even landed perfectly on its_ knee!" Tsubaki added.

Sumire growled at the dummy's apparently perfect landing, but was otherwise happy with the results. In the meantime, Iris was a little giddy with excitement, and even Maria looked slightly amazed.

"See? _See?_ What did I tell you!" Kohran said proudly.

Maria frowned as she shook her head. "It's too early to celebrate," she said, determined to be the skeptic despite the results.

"The subject that was used was merely a lifeless object. To determine the success of this experiment, a person should jump into the chute," the captain continued.

Kohran nodded thoughtfully, rubbing her chin with her thumb and forefinger. "That's true. The sensors could be more receptive to the dummy's external covering than to the human skin."

"But who's going to try it...?" Iris asked innocently.

All four Hanagumi members present looked at each other. At least there was a slight improvement - they were not shaking their heads anymore.

Sumire went strait to the point though. "I'm _not_ going to jump into that... that... _that thing_!"

Iris didn't say anything, but she definitely didn't look like she was eager to jump down despite all the enthusiasm she had earlier.

Kohran scratched her head. "I see. Well then, maybe I should be the one to give it a try."

"No, let me do it," Maria said.

"Maria-han...?

Maria held Kohran's shoulder. "You're needed here in case something goes wrong. Besides." She gave a small smile. "I was the one who insisted that one of us should test it."

Kohran shared her smile, and nodded. "Good luck, Maria-han!"

The Hanagumi captain silently walked towards the metal lid bearing her name, her pace slow, her bearing as if she was about to head towards her doom. Iris bit her lip as Maria took off her coat, revealing the red shirt she had underneath - as if removing her heavy outer clothing would make the trip down the shaft easier for both herself and the sensors that Kohran was talking about. When the lid opened in front of the Russian, Iris tightly gripped Sumire's sleeve. "Maria..."

Maria turned around slightly and gave her a reassuring look. "I'll be fine, Iris," she said soothingly. And then she jumped...

Sumire, Iris, and Kohran strained their ears in an attempt to hear and figure out Maria's progress down the tube - or perhaps more appropriately, to determine if the automated hands were used as target practices again, or so they've been told - but all they could hear was the rather loud humming the device made since it was switched on.

It didn't actually take long, but it seemed as if 10 long minutes had passed (as opposed to less than 20 seconds) since Maria had jumped into her dressing tube. Sumire was almost convinced that the shaft had eaten their captain alive, when they heard a second commotion on the radio.

"_She made it! Maria-san made it!_" Tsubaki practically screamed on the receiver. Yuri could be heard clapping at the background, and generally making a huge nuisance out of herself.

That feeling of fear which had settled into the hidden room ever since Kanna first fell down into the dressing tube had now lifted, and was replaced with feelings of elation. _Finally!_ The dressing tubes - _fully automated dressing tubes_ - were working! Long live Kohran! Long live Maria! _Long live Kanna's dummy!_ ... err, wait, that didn't make much sense.

Anyway, the Hanagumi members who had suffered from the previous tubes were completely ecstastic. "_It's working as well as you said it would, Kohran! Thank you!_" Maria said over the radio, her voice barely concealing her happiness.

Kohran adjusted her glasses. "I told you they should work _perfectly_! So what do you say, everyone? Shall we all jump in together?"

Sumire and Iris nodded. "Let's!"

And so all three remaining Hanagumi members in the hidden room leaped, completely entrusting their fate to the hands that Kohran had given life to.

* * *

Yoneda briskly strode through the Teigeki's grand lobby, with a hesitant Ayame right behind him. "(1)Shihainin, please," she pleaded. "You don't have to do it."

The lieutenant general dropped his suitcase to the floor and held his vice commander's shoulders with both hands. "Listen to me, Ayame. At times such as these, you need to learn to reign in your constraints and just go ahead and ask. Besides, now is as good a time as ever. We may never get another chance in a long while."

Ayame nodded timidly. "All right," she said, finally giving up.

"And so..." Yoneda picked up his bag and cleared his throat. "How many (2)zundamochi would you like me to bring home?"

"Ten please... twenty, if Wakana-san is willing," Ayame requested, blushing.

Yoneda grinned. "She truly does make the best zundamochi in all of Japan, doesn't she?"

Ayame nodded again, this time vigorously. "Oh, yes! The last time she had served those scrumptious delights, I had eaten up to the point of over-"

_**BOOM!**_

"...kill...?"

* * *

Down in the briefing room, what had once been a relatively pristine area earlier that morning was now a disaster zone. The table and chairs were upturned. Yuri and Tsubaki were sprawled out on the floor, eyes twirling. The portraits in one corner of the room now had neat holes in them, and looked as if the tubes they hid behind them had shot something out so fast that the portraits were not able to raise themselves in time; like bullets being shot out of the barrels of a couple of guns. _Big_ guns.

At the other corner of the room opposite the portraits were all the Hanagumi members, all of them in uniform, arms and legs tangled up together, their eyes swirling as well. Somehow, Maria and the dummy was also included into the mess.

Kohran feebly raised her hand. "_Cough! Cough!_ I believe there had been a _little too much power_ going through all those tubes at that one time..."

"At least I have some clothes on..." Sumire said weakly, her voice muffled as her head was buried underneath the Kanna doll.

"Iris thought the dressing tubes were now working..." Iris moaned.

"Well, they did work. We're all in our uniforms," Maria offered.

"At this rate, we'll all probably die by the hands of that _abomination_ before we even reach the battlefield!" Sumire spat.

"Hey, I did say they _should_ work perfectly, didn't I?" Kohran protested. "I never said they _will_ work."

Everyone else groaned, and from that day forward, they had learned never to trust any device that Kohran touched ever again.

_--Tsuzuki--_

* * *

Next chapter:  
The Dressing Tube: Sakura

* * *

_Story Notes:  
_(1) - "shihainin" - manager  
(2) - "zundamochi" - mochi balls with sweet, bright green edamame paste. A specialty from Sendai, or so Wikipedia says.


	6. The Dressing Tube: Sakura

_Author's Notes:_

Another year (and a half), another chapter. This is getting to be quite a bad trend, isn't it?

Unfortunately, the chapter below will only make sense to those who own the PS2 version of Sakura Taisen 1. In that version, Sakura literally _dives _into her chute, where a series of smoked areas would take her clothes away and replace them with her uniform, before she comes out all prim and proper at the bottom. Seriously… just how _does_ she manage to get herself in an upright position after that kind of entry anyway?

I don't have any proof readers, and though I tried to read through it, considering the length of this chapter I have a feeling I may have missed some mistakes along the way. If you find anything, let me know. Thanks!

_Disclaimer:_ Sakura Taisen is owned by Sega and Red Entertainment. I am not making a profit out of this fanfic, but still, this particular story is mine, so please don't take it.

* * *

**The Odd and the Weird**

**Chapter 6**

"**The Dressing Tube: Sakura"**

* * *

Iris watched as yet another new member of the Teikoku Kagekidan Hanagumi emerged from the dressing tube; said member screaming in terror as she dove head first into the ground, with arms brought up in an attempt to protect herself.

Tsubaki, who was with Iris inside the briefing room, quickly rushed to Shinguuji Sakura's aid and helped the girl up from the floor. Sakura was wincing as she sat up, rubbing an elbow which was sure to be sore the following day, along with the rest of her body.

After making sure that Sakura was okay, Tsubaki took the receiver and contacted Maria at the second floor dressing tube hidden room. "Maria-san..."

"... _Are there any improvements_...?"

"No."

A barely audible sigh could be heard before the Hanagumi commander replied. "_Okay. Please tell Iris to send her up. We're not stopping until she gets this right._"

Iris, Tsubaki, and Sakura all groaned upon hearing Maria. "Do I have to?" Iris asked, pouting.

Sakura smiled sheepishly at the little French girl. "Don't worry, Iris – I can go up on my own," she said.

Deep inside her, however, her entire body was protesting. Though Sakura was accustomed to training, the swordswoman never had run towards the locker room, change into her clothes from her uniform (her clothes of which just mysteriously appear neatly folded in her locker – she assumed the tube dumps it there after her fall), rush up three flights of stairs, rejoin her commander at the second floor hidden room, leap into the tube again as ordered, and repeat everything ad nauseum for almost three consecutive hours. In fact, she was extremely grateful that the tube had not run out of uniforms with which to change her with, though she also assumed that something about where they deposit their uniforms at the locker room had something to do with that.

Iris, who got involuntarily involved after choosing to satisfy her curiosity and watch, managed to spare her the sprint up the stairs with her telekinetic powers, but Sakura could tell that the girl was getting quite tired and irritable from having to teleport her to the hidden room all the time.

Iris turned her gaze towards her new teammate, who was obviously ailing even though she wasn't saying anything. She felt sorry for her – Sakura had been on "dressing tube training" for almost the entire afternoon, and had probably accumulated more "falling time" than any of them ever had due to this (with the possible exception of Kanna).

"Maybe we should tell Maria-san to take a break...?" Tsubaki suggested, though she looked as if asking Maria for that favor was the last thing she wanted to do.

Sakura shook her head. "No, she would probably just get angry. I'll go on up. I'll have to get it right some time, ne?"

Iris sighed. "Iris will take you up again," she said.

"Are you sure you don't mind?" Sakura asked.

The little girl shrugged. She liked this new girl, though she remained a little distant for fear of what the rest of her teammates would say, as they weren't exactly friendly with Sakura. Not yet, anyway.

"I'm really sorry, Iris," Sakura apologized as Iris took her hand. "I'll get it right next time."

Despite what she said, however, Iris still had a doubtful look on her face as she waited for Sakura to finish dressing so that they could teleport to the hidden room.

* * *

Maria stood near Sakura's tube, her arms crossed, absorbed in deep thought.

She just couldn't understand why the girl continuously failed to land properly.

It wasn't that bad landings were uncommon for the troupe. It's just that Sakura did it in such a way that Maria never thought would be humanely possible. If she could just emerge at the briefing room down below with her feet first, graceful landing or not, Maria would have been pleased. But despite the fact that she jumped with her legs swinging into the chasm first before the rest of the upper body, Sakura always, _always_, ended up coming out with her head out front.

Of course, Maria thought about the tube, and its tendency to cause problems. It could now be that somewhere along the way it was malfunctioning and was forcing the poor swordswoman to tumble just before she came out of the portrait. Sakura just fell out head first too many times for Maria to attribute it to her clumsy nature.

But the Kanzaki scientists had _assured_ them that the dressing tubes were now working as they should – Kohran's "lack-of-power" discovery, along with a few well-versed threats from the rest of the Hanagumi, seriously helped. The Hanagumi themselves have tried it... using test dummies, of course. Yet even the dummies, regardless of whatever position they're in, landed perfectly at the bottom. Even Sumire's best efforts with the Kanna doll did nothing to destroy that particular track record.

It could be that Maria and Kohran's earlier assumptions – that the machine may not work as well with a human as it does with a dummy – was applicable with this version of the tube. But Kohran had already returned to the Hanayashiki Branch and was not around to offer her expertise. And Sakura was coming out of the hole with her uniform on, as was expected (the fact that she was the first human test subject for this new dressing tube, however, was quietly kept form her by her teammates). It was really just the landing that was failing horribly.

"Ah, Maria-san. You're still here?" Sumire asked in slight surprise as she entered the room.

"Good afternoon, Sumire," Maria replied, still lost in thought.

"Please don't tell me that that country bumpkin still can't tell which direction is up."

The Hanagumi leader smiled slightly. "It may not be her fault –"

"What do you mean it's not her fault?!" Sumire asked incredulously. "If a mere dummy can land on its knee, then no _normal_ human being shouldn't be able to do so, right?" She shot a loathsome look at the cover to Kanna's tube.

"Remember, Sumire, that no actual person had tried this tube until Sakura came," Maria pointed out, albeit in a slightly hushed tone less Sakura suddenly entered the room and heard their conversation. "There is currently no record of a successful human test."

"Then we'll have to make sure Sakura-san gets it right, or I will _never_ go down that thing!" Sumire declared.

Maria knew that it was pointless to dissuade Sumire when she's completely worked up on a particular subject. "Maybe we should use a dummy for the next trial, just to check if it's really working..." she supposed. The only tubes they had tested were their own plus Kanna's, and Maria was slightly ashamed to admit that they had not considered testing Sakura's first before forcing the poor girl on "training".

"No, no, no!" Sumire argued, emphasizing each word with a shake of her fan. "Sakura-san's tube is _perfect_ for this experiment because it has never been... shall we say... 'tainted'! It is completely gullible, just like its user, and if it doesn't get it right, then none of our more 'experienced' tubes will work!"

Maria wasn't quite keen about Sumire's choice of words (she could never admit the fact that this truly was more of an "experiment" than "training"), and she failed to see the logic in her explanation either. However, she was unable to voice out any objections – the tell-tale chimes that accompanied Iris' teleportation skills were suddenly audible, and it was not long before Iris herself appeared with one of the subjects of their discussion tagging along.

Sakura resisted the urge to sigh the moment she saw who was in the room. It was bad enough that she had to face Maria after every disappointing fall – now she had to deal with Sumire, too.

Sure enough, Sumire began her nagging the moment she saw the newcomer arrive. "Sakura-san!" she admonished, causing Sakura to flinch. "Where do you get off with wasting Maria-san's time like this? Don't you know she has better things to do?!"

"I didn't really mean to –"

"No excuses! If you have the time to talk, then you should have the time to perfect your landing skills and get this over with! Honestly, these country types need to have _everything_ defined for them!"

"I _would_ have had the time if _you_ hadn't wasted it asking questions without wanting to hear answers," Sakura grumbled, sneaking in a glare.

Despite her soft voice, however, it was still loud enough for Sumire to hear. "What did you say?!" she roared.

"That's enough, you two," Maria said, stepping in between the both of them. She thought the arguments within the Teigeki would cease the moment Kanna left. Sumire, however, appeared to enjoy picking fights with Sakura for some odd reason – Iris had once said that perhaps she missed Kanna and was looking for an alternative, which Sakura was unfortunately unable to supply. Though she could hold out on her own against Sumire, Sakura could also be quite meek, which just seemed to make the younger girl even more aggressive.

"Anyway, let's try to go over this again," Maria continued once things have calmed somewhat. "Sakura, are you sure you don't know precisely when you flip over while you're falling?"

Sakura shook her head. "The chute just seems to open up at top of my head, and before I know it that's where I end up coming out."

"Couldn't Sakura feel where she's going while she's falling?" Iris asked, trying to be helpful.

Sakura shook her head again. "There's so much smoke, it becomes hard to tell which side is up or down."

Warning bells began ringing at the back of the other Hanagumi members' heads.

_Smoke_?

"Th-that's absurd!" Sumire said, opening her fan and covering her face so that Sakura would be unable to see the look of horror on her face. "There has never been smoke in the tube before!" _Except when it blew us out after Kohran-san first tinkered around with it!_ She added in her thoughts.

"Maybe Sakura's tube is broken?" Iris offered. She, on the other hand, made no efforts to disguise the dread in her voice, thus making Sakura look at her questioningly, completely clueless about everything that had happened before.

Maria rested her hand on her chin. Now what? They themselves had never personally tried the new tubes before, so she couldn't tell if the smoke was indeed a sign that Sakura's tube was malfunctioning, or if it was intentional on the creators' part.

"Didn't Kohran mention that she fixed the... control room at the hangar when she conducted quality assurance checking before she left?" she finally asked.

"Urgh, Iris had not returned there since we blew that place up!" Iris commented, her face screwing up in annoyance.

"Surely you're not suggesting what I believe you're suggesting," Sumire said. Though she was not yet a part of the group at that time, she knew enough about the Hanagumi's earlier exploits with the tube to understand what they were talking about.

Sakura, however, was oblivious, and could only look at one face after another as they spoke. "Erm... what exactly is it that you plan to do?" she asked.

Maria shook her head. The less Sakura knew about it, the better. "You get ready, and jump into the tube when we tell you so. Sumire, come down with me. Iris, kindly get your dummy and come back here on stand-by for deployment as well."

The Hanagumi captain then walked towards the receiver in the room. "Tsubaki?"

"_Y-yes?_" came the girl's immediate reply.

"Please call Yuri and have her open the door to the dressing tube control room."

"_EEEEEEEEEEEHHH?? But why_..."

"We need to check something out for Sakura's training," Maria explained.

"_M-M-Maria-san will_..." Tsubaki's voice sounded more incredulous with each passing second.

Maria was not very comfortable with having to go back into the room either. But it was the only way for them to see precisely what was going on while the machine was at work.

"We shall be coming down in a while. Please ensure that Yuri gets the message," The Hanagumi captain replied before turning off the radio and facing her charges. "Well then, everyone, we shall begin in five minutes. Sakura, take the time to rest until then."

Everybody then left the hidden room, leaving a still bewildered and completely clueless Sakura behind.

* * *

There are times in one's life where one is given the chance to make brilliant decisions and benefit greatly from them.

This, however, was definitely not one of Maria's.

For the life of her, she could not understand just why she had asked Tsubaki to contact Yuri instead of Kasumi.

Not that Tsubaki or Kasumi were immune to gossip. It's just that they could hold themselves back better than their comrade.

Even now, Yuri was already exchanging excited whispers to a flabbergasted Tsubaki as they waited for Maria and Sumire to arrive at the control room.

"Oooh, can you imagine the scandal if this comes out?!" Yuri was saying animatedly.

"But this is different! We're all women! There's nothing to be ashamed of!" Tsubaki defended, though she was still obviously in shock. "Besides, the room isn't only composed of . . . of monitors, you know! They could do something else in there!"

"Oh, c'mon, it's not like they know how to operate those knobs and all! What else would they be doing inside but flip on the video switch?!"

"What else, indeed?"

Yuri and Tsubaki looked up to see a very annoyed-looking Maria glaring down at them. The two Kazegumi members began to laugh sheepishly.

"Maria-san!" Yuri stammered. "The-The door is open... is there anything else you need?"

"Go back to the briefing room and observe things from there. And girls... ?"

Yuri and Tsubaki paused from their mid-run and slowly turned back towards Maria, who was now casually polishing her _already_ gleaming gun in her hands...

"Not a word, okay?" she said nonchalantly.

The two girls gulped and nodded, before setting off to do as they were ordered.

"My, Maria-san, I never expected you were the type who threatens others into silence," Sumire remarked as they entered the room and toggled the light switch.

"That wasn't a threat."

"Maybe, but it sure looked like one."

The Hanagumi gazed around the small room. Just as Yuri had said earlier, it was filled with knobs and buttons whose purposes they were not quite sure, though Maria suspected that some of them was what the operators once used to... well, the ones the first generation dressing tubes needed to work.

Despite the complexities found in the room, however, the switch for the camera and monitors were clearly labeled, as if they were extremely vital keys that nobody should forget.

If Maria had her way, she would have blown this place to kingdom come. There were actually still evidences of bullet marks, fist strikes, and psychic blasts all over the place. If anything, the room would have been useless after they stormed through it a few years ago. But Kohran had to use it for whatever purpose she had, so some of the objects were operational again.

Note that Kohran had no idea why the room was in a state of disarray when she first came into it. As far as she knew, the room was also only used for tests and maintenance, even way back with the first dressing tubes. She never did asked why it was in disrepair when she first came in though.

Anyway, Maria flipped the labeled switches, and for the first time Sumire saw just how... _intrusive_ the cameras were. "This room _is_ kept under lock and key all the time, isn't it?" she asked nervously.

"The Kazegumi holds the key. If anybody takes advantage of it..." Maria trailed off, but she had stated it in such a dark tone that Sumire knew nobody would ever think about goofing off inside for fear of their lives.

"Anyway, let's begin." Maria reached over and pushed the button for communications, opening a mic at the hidden room on the second floor where Iris and Sakura were waiting. There was a camera present there as well, and Maria and Sumire could see the two members they had left behind in one of the monitors.

"_Are you telling me that you used your dummy first so that you could see if your tube worked?!_" Sakura's astonished voice could be heard wafting through the speakers.

Apparently, somebody forgot to tell Iris not to tell Sakura about that little bit of information.

Her dummy of which, by the way, looked like a miniature version of Kanna. And just in case the audience is wondering, all the dummies used by the Hanagumi have Kanna's likeness. There was a rumor that Sumire had requested it when orders for them were made, but whether it was fact or fiction, nobody was sure. It was very interesting to see the results whenever the one Iris uses comes out of her tube, though, what with the ribbons in her uniform and all.

"_Didn't Sakura try it with hers?_" Iris asked innocently.

"_No. I don't think I even have a dummy to test mine with._"

Sumire laughed her trademark laugh. "I don't think that would be necessary, Sakura-san. You're enough," she said into the microphone at the control room. "After all, one for each tube is sufficient."

Sakura's eyes flashed dangerously. "_Are you saying that I'm a dummy?_" she demanded, looking around and trying to find the source of Sumire's voice.

Maria cleared her throat to get all of their attention. "Let's begin," she repeated, snatching the microphone from Sumire. "Iris, could you drop your dummy into the chasm first? And kindly make sure that it's _not_ facing the right direction."

"_Okaay!_" Iris chimed, dragging and dropping her dummy into her tube with its buttocks coming in first while Sakura looked on incredulously.

Maria and Sumire watched the monitors as the dummy made its way down Iris' tube. Neither was willing to admit that they were very curious to see exactly how the tube worked – after all, _seeing_ it from afar was different from _experiencing_ it. They were so eager to see the how it operated that both failed to notice the other one lean forward in anticipation.

Thus accounting for their initial disappointment when, after a sudden gush of smoke appeared and dissipated, the dummy emerged in the same position as it had entered, already completely undressed!

It wasn't long, however, before the shock descended upon them.

"W-what the heck is this?!" Sumire exclaimed as the dummy passed by a second smoke screen – this time emerging in Iris' uniform. "How in the world can that thing change your clothes in the blink of an eye?! Sakura-san!" she shrieked into the microphone.

"_Eh? I've always felt something take off my clothes and put my uniform on, but I never saw them because of the smoke. Passing through them had always seemed longer than it really is, though. Isn't it the same for all of you, Sumire-san?_"

"How should we know?! We never went in – oops..." Sumire covered her mouth upon realizing that she had just let Sakura know that they were as new to these particular dressing tubes as she had been three hours ago.

"_Never went_..._ You mean you __**never went in these tubes before**_"

Sumire winced. Maria covered her face with her hand in exasperation.

"Th-That's not true!" Sumire spluttered, trying to recover. "All of us have already gone down the dressing tubes! Just . . . not this particular one . . . hey, don't look as if you're the only victim here! All of us had suffered, too!!"

Sakura was so stunned at the discovery that she just stared off into the distance, looking as if all her energy had just been drained from her. Iris reached up and waved Jean Paul in front of her, but she didn't even seem to notice.

Maria didn't know what was worse – having to face Sakura after this mess or being unable to sleep that night worrying exactly what _did_ the smoke screen cover. Perhaps she could go visit Kohran at the Hanayashiki Branch and have this clarified with her. That way, she also wouldn't be around when Sakura comes back to her senses and begin to storm at them with her katana in hand...

"_Anyway, what happened to the dummy?_" Iris eventually asked after giving up on her task.

"There was another smoke screen just before it exited, so we were not able to see," Maria replied. "Tsubaki, Yuri, status report?"

"_The dummy came out fine, Maria-san,_" Yuri answered. She sounded a little bit _too_ eager though, probably in anticipation for the next trial.

Maria frowned. Well, at least it does seem like the smoke was intentional, given that Iris' tube also produced it. Plus the last smoke screen seemed to have fixed the dummy's position before exit. So the smoke itself couldn't be the cause of Sakura's awful landing. Perhaps it was whatever that was inside the last smoke screen that needed attention in her tube?

"_W-wait a minute,_" Sakura suddenly spoke, breaking out of her earlier stupor and surprising the others. "_You 'couldn't see'_..._? Then, you can watch what happens inside the slide?!_"

Yuri could be heard squealing, reveling at the thought of the scandal this would make, while another person – obviously Tsubaki – was audibly trying to clamp her hand on her companion's mouth. In the excitement, the two had forgotten to turn off their receiver.

Sakura looked as if she had gone through another catatonic shock, even though she had just recovered from her previous one. Once more, Iris waved Jean Paul in front of her. There was definitely no response – there wasn't even a twitch. "_Iris thinks onee-chan is gone for good this time,_" she commented.

"Sakura, we didn't come here to watch _you_," Maria said (stuttered, actually, but of course Maria _never_ stutters...) in an attempt to revive the younger girl. "Why else would I have had Iris drop the dummy? We'll be turning the cameras off when it's your turn."

Sakura didn't seem to have heard her.

"Sakura, you have my word. After this transmission, I shall be turning off the cameras and will have Yuri lock the room again. Yuri, if you please." After that, Maria reached out and turned off the equipment inside the room.

Sumire looked a little annoyed as they walked out. "You do realize that we'll never find out why she flips over before she goes out?"

"I never intended to keep the cameras open when it was her turn. Besides, even I did, there's too much smoke for us to see," Maria said, closing the door behind her. Yuri came along not long after that, looking extremely disappointed at the turn of events.

As soon as the control room was locked, Maria, Sumire, and Yuri returned to briefing room, where Tsubaki was standing by the portraits covering the dressing tubes' exit holes.

Something seemed wrong, though. Tsubaki looked panicked as she paced frantically in front of Sakura's still-empty portrait. "Tsubaki?" Yuri inquired.

"She _fell_!!" Tsubaki cried anxiously. "Sakura-san fell head first into the tube!"

"_WHAT_?!"

* * *

At the second floor hidden room a few minutes earlier, Iris sat on the floor in front of Sakura. She had given up trying to catch the girl's attention and pouted at her failure – Sakura's inattentiveness meant that Iris was all alone in the room with no one to speak to. "Boring," she complained.

But then something seemed to click inside Sakura's head. She blinked, then crouched low, hugging her knees so that she was staring at a wide-eyed Iris face-to-face. "Then it's true that they _can_ see inside the tube, right? They can actually do that, right?!" she asked.

There was an excited tone in her voice that bothered Iris.

"Umm... yes, they can," the little girl answered hesitantly.

Sakura paused for a short moment before exclaiming:

"Isn't that _so cool_?!"

Iris face-faulted.

"I've never seen anything like that before! How does it work? Is it like one of those cameras they use to take pictures?"

Iris wondered how Sakura would react once she was introduced to the koubus.

"S-Sakura understands, right?" Iris stammered, trying to make her see the bad side of having cameras inside the chutes. "That since people can see what's happening inside the tube, then bad people can also peek while there's someone inside?"

"Oh, I don't think there's anybody inside the theatre that would be _that_ perverted, don't you think?"

If Sumire heard everything Sakura had been saying since waking up from a catatonic state, she would have had a field day, probably going as far as stating that people who heralded from the countryside are naïve idiots.

"Anyway, I want to see them!"

In her excitement, Sakura stood up and immediately began running towards her tube, failing to notice that her legs had cramped from her earlier position. Her fall was inevitable, but as she tried to regain her balance, she came close enough to the entrance of her chute that it automatically opened. Her knee hitting the edge of the hole was the final clincher, and the terrified girl finally plunged head first into the chasm.

It took Iris a few milliseconds to recover from the event before informing Tsubaki on the radio and transporting herself below.

* * *

While Iris made her way down, Maria, Sumire, Yuri, and Tsubaki waited for Sakura to emerge at the briefing room. It wasn't the first time anyone fell into the dressing tube head first – Yuri could still remember how Kanna made her suffer when the Okinawan native got knocked down head first into the machine with Yuri being partly at fault. Still, though, with the problems Sakura had though she was falling at an upright position, would there be any difference if she plunged through it upside down?

Apparently it did.

Just after Iris arrived at the room and joined the rest of the crew, the portrait went up. Much to everyone's astonishment, the first they saw was Sakura's pink boots, followed by the swordswoman's legs, upper body, and finally her head. She ended her fall in a poised position, a knee and a hand on the ground for support, the other arm raised to the side to maintain balance.

There was a moment of prolonged silence before anyone finally spoke.

"I... I did it!" Sakura exclaimed, jumping up in elation, her earlier excitement about the video cameras all but forgotten during her horrifying descent.

"Wai! Wai!" Iris whooped, while Tsubaki, Yuri, and Sakura held hands and skipped in place, all smiles as they celebrated the latter's first successful landing.

Maria and Sumire, however, didn't quite know how to react. If Sakura fell upright, then she would exit head first, whereas if she fell head first, then she would emerge upright? That didn't make much sense at all!

In fact, Sumire was so unconvinced that she became quite annoyed with all the merry-making that was being made. "I don't see any reason why you should be celebrating at all," she snapped, causing the four joyous individuals to cease their festivities and stand in attention. "You _are_ quite aware that this may only happen once, right?!"

"Sumire does have a point," Maria agreed, though she had said it in a calmer manner. "Sakura, is there anything different you had done during your fall this time around?"

Sakura tilted her head. "Actually, no, there wasn't," she replied truthfully. "Apart from how I entered, it was like all my other attempts, except that this time after the last smoke, the exit was at my feet."

Sumire moved as if she was tossing her hair over her shoulder. "Hmph. As I've told you before, Maria-san, she is definitely unaware which direction is up," she said, making her earn another silent glare from Sakura.

"Can I ask you to go down the chute again? In the proper way, that is," Maria requested.

Sakura nodded, feeling a lot more confident now that she had finally landed without bruising herself in the process. In fact, her spirits were so high that she had told Iris to stay put though the younger girl had offered to take her up again.

The group waited for Sakura to acknowledge that she was ready via the receiver on the second floor before Maria ordered her to jump down again.

And again they waited with bated breaths for her portrait to come up so that they could see if she would be able to clinch this landing as well.

When Sakura came out screaming head-first out from the opening, however, they found it odder that they were _not_ surprised with the result than with anything else.

"Ow, ow, ow," Sakura grimaced, pulling herself up from the ground for the umpteenth time.

"What happened?" Iris asked, kneeling down next to her. "Sakura got the landing before."

"I'm not sure," Sakura answered, looking very much upset at her failure. "Everything went exactly the same as before this time."

Tsubaki scratched the back of her head. "It's weird, isn't it? It's like the dressing tube _wants_ Sakura-san to dive into it head first."

Everyone stared at Tsubaki, before slowly turning their gazes towards Sakura. Sakura looked at each and every one of their faces before sighing dejectedly. "Okay, okay, I'll go up one more time."

During the lull in the briefing room while Sakura was preparing for yet another drop, Kasumi appeared. "There you are," she said sternly, referring to Tsubaki and Yuri. "What are you two doing? Yoneda-shihainin had been looking for you – have you forgotten that the test run is today and that he would be needing us?"

Yuri and Tsubaki cringed at the thought of getting back to their work when there was something more interesting going on. "M-Maria-san had asked us to do some errands for her," Yuri responded.

"Yes, and I'm sure you've already fulfilled them. So can you please run along and get your jobs done? Oh, Maria-san, we would be using the briefing room, so can we please ask you to leave?" Kasumi inquired.

"That's okay," Maria replied. "Just let us do one more test, and then we'll stop for today."

Kasumi nodded, before turning back to her companions. "All right, you two! Back to work!"

They groaned and grumbled, but there was little Yuri and Tsubaki could do but leave.

"Oh, by the way, Maria-san," Kasumi said. "Kohran called. She said something important about th-"

She was interrupted by the sound of Sakura's voice verifying that she was ready to go.

"Is Sakura really that willing to jump head first into the dressing tube?" Iris asked concernedly.

Sumire chuckled. "Why not? She has proven herself to be quite gullible anyway."

Kasumi's eyes widened. "Sakura-san is going to jump head-first into the tube? But-"

"Here she comes," Maria suddenly said, breaking Kasumi off once more.

Moments later, as if to prove that Tsubaki had a point, Sakura emerged from the tube and landed on the ground as perfect as she had earlier. It was as if she had done it all her life and had never had issues with it at all.

Sakura smiled; happy to find that once again she was able to come out in an upright position. She glanced at her comrades, and was pleasantly surprised to find Kasumi there, though Yuri and Tsubaki were gone.

"Sakura-san, that was incredible! Did you really dive into the chute with your head first?" Kasumi asked.

Sumire looked displeased at the praise Sakura received. "Actually, falling down like that seems to be the _only_ way for her to be able to land on her feet," she commented disdainfully.

"But Sumire," Iris interjected. "If Sakura's dressing tube works like ours, then wouldn't we also have to jump into the tube upside down?"

Sumire flinched, though she quickly tried to recompose herself. "Th-that's preposterous!" she proclaimed. "One such as myself has no need of descending the tube in such a manner, for I can unquestionably tell if I need to adjust before landing! Surely you and Maria-san are the same as I am, Iris! After all, we are definitely more graceful than that clumsy oaf!"

Sakura glowered at Sumire. "Gee, thanks for the compliment," she said sarcastically.

"Actually," Kasumi started again. "I just received word from Kohran about the dressing tubes."

Maria raised her eyebrows at the news. "What did she say?"

"She mentioned that after studying the test results she took from the control room the other day, along with the schematics she had borrowed from Kanzaki Heavy Industries, there is some truth to the theory that the tubes are more receptive to the external covering of the dummies, thus accounting for their perfect landing record. That actually means-"

"That we're _required _to fall head first?!" Sumire asked incredulously, her grip on her fan tightening. "It's bad enough that the tubes exploded the last time we used them. Now we have to risk breaking our necks each and every time we descend as well?"

"But Sumire-san-"

"Enough!" Sumire swept her kimono aside and marched towards the exit. "I have no intentions of ever diving into that hole until it is absolutely fixed! Now if you would excuse me, I would like to talk to the engineers over at the main branch. I don't know about you, but I've grown tired of this play, and would definitely see to it that my words are kept and that things are set straight!"

Her "words" being her _threats_, that is.

"But Sumire-san, there's - !!"

Once more, however, Kasumi was unable to complete her sentence as the sliding doors leading to the briefing room had closed behind Sumire. "_AAARGH_! Can you people _please_ listen to me while I'm talking?!" she cried in frustration, her patience having run out.

Sakura and Iris giggled at Kasumi's outburst, whereas Maria simply smiled. "Well, perhaps we can count on Sumire being able to truly make the dressing tubes work," the Hanagumi commander said.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" Kasumi replied, smoothing an imaginary wrinkle on her kimono while trying to collect herself. "There's actually more to what Kohran had said."

The three remaining Hanagumi members inside the room listened attentively as Kasumi was finally able to deliver her message in full...

* * *

Sumire frowned as she returned the phone receiver to its cradle. She had been trying to contact the Kanzaki Heavy Industries main factory office for quite a while now, hoping at the very least to get in touch with her grandfather so that she could voice out her complaints, but she wasn't having much luck as the line was constantly busy despite numerous attempts.

Deciding to try again some other time, she left the manager's office – which was empty with Yoneda nowhere to be found – and made her way back to her room. She had barely managed to make herself comfortable when an alarm suddenly rang throughout the theatre.

Now, they haven't heard it before, but Yoneda had briefed them previously about how a particular alarm would sound if an enemy was discovered. And Sumire knew that what she was hearing at that moment was no warning bell for the stage – it truly sounded like an emergency siren. Which meant that they have to proceed to the briefing room (again) in their uniforms and meet with the Lieutenant-General as soon as possible...

The self-proclaimed Top Star of the Hanagumi grimaced.

When Sumire hesitantly exited from her room, one of the other doors at the dormitories opened, with Sakura coming out as well. Since the older girl's room was closer to the hallway outside the dormitory wing, she failed to notice that Sumire was standing behind her, and made her sprint towards the hidden room (wherever it was).

Not wanting to be left behind by her "rival", Sumire followed suit.

* * *

Iris and Maria were going up the stairs towards the second floor when they heard the alarm. They had barely managed to reach the top when Sakura ran past them, followed quickly by Sumire.

"Ah, Sumire!" Maria called out, but it was either she had not heard her or she refused to listen. The markswoman quickly ran after them as well, with Iris being left a little ways behind – after all, her little legs couldn't keep up with the taller women, and in their rush she had temporarily forgotten to use her teleportation powers.

Once they reached the hidden room, Sakura swiftly made her way to her tube and dived in without hesitation. Sumire paused outside hers, but she was _determined_ not to be outdone by a "country girl", so after a moment's delay she went in head first as well.

She was so focused on catching up with Sakura that she hardly heard Maria's voice as she made her descent below.

* * *

The Teigeki Sannin Musume giggled madly.

They had gathered at the secretarial office near the end of the day to discuss the events that took place that afternoon. Which was mostly about Yoneda's test run for the emergency bell and the chaos that ensued afterwards.

"Did you see her nose?" Yuri tittered, her arms crossed over her stomach, her sides in pain from laughing so much. "It's going to be awfully red for weeks!"

"I really do feel sorry for Sumire-san," Kasumi grinned. "But seeing her fall on her face when everybody else landed on their feet… That was really priceless, wasn't it?"

Yuri laughed again, having to lean on the counter as she could no longer hold herself up. "I'm surprised the manager forgot to tell them that today's bell was only supposed to be for testing purposes, though," she finally said after she had managed to calm down. "We've been with them for almost the entire afternoon, and we could have told them not to pay any attention to it."

"The manager did get quite an earful from Sumire-san, didn't he?" Tsubaki asked.

Kasumi shrugged. "Well, it's her fault for not listening to me anyway. Kohran-san had said that even if the dressing tube's sensors are not working properly, everyone should end up okay as long as they enter in the proper, upright position."

"Proper, upright position, huh…" Tsubaki repeated thoughtfully. "Still, if that's the case, I wonder why Sakura-san has to fall the other way around?"

The three girls looked at each other.

Nobody ever will actually find out the mysteries behind Sakura's dressing tube.

--_Tsuzuki_—

* * *

Next chapter:

The Dressing Tube: High Command

* * *

_Post Author's Notes:_

Nope, I'm not done with the dressing tubes yet! And with the extent I've been playing ST2 over and over again, I may just come up with stories for Orihime and Reni, too. I'm not making any promises, but I really would like to come up with something for them as well, even if it's still sometime in the future, so let's all keep our fingers crossed, shall we?


	7. The Dressing Tube: High Command

_Author's Notes:_

The nice thing about writing purely humor-related pieces - as long as you have your notes in place, you can come back to them several years later!

Anyway, this piece represents the end of "The Dressing Tube" series for the first game, which I believe also sets us up nicely for the second (when we get to it, heh).

Kindly note that there is at least one reference to the manga here as well. Further explanations are provided in the post author notes down below.

_Disclaimer:_ Sakura Taisen is owned by Sega and Red Entertainment. I am not making a profit out of this fanfic, but still, this particular story is mine, so please don't take it.

.

* * *

**The Odd and the Weird**

**Chapter 7  
**

"**The Dressing Tube: High Command"**

* * *

.

Lieutenant-General Yoneda Ikki watched as his subordinates rushed to the Teikoku Kagekidan's first battle scene. As soon as the Goraigo bullet train shot out of its hidden station, he took out a stop watch hidden in the front lapel of his military uniform and clicked the switch with satisfaction. "Three minutes and twenty three seconds from alarm all the way to deployment," he said. "Not bad, Ayame, don't you think?"

His vice commander Fujieda Ayame nodded in agreement. "Yes, sir. Our response time is really quite good."

"'Quite' good, Ayame? It's more than 'quite good'. It's _superb_! The army itself takes the same amount of time just waiting for their soldiers to get dressed and assemble!"

"Well… they don't exactly have advanced utilities in the army barracks, sir."

Yoneda's eyes gleamed with pride. "Yes, they didn't think about the advantages of having those dressing tubes, didn't they?"

"Umm… no sir."

He fondly placed a hand on the portrait that covered Sakura's dressing tube, nostalgia overcoming him as he recalled a distant memory. "Have I ever told you, Ayame? I didn't just think of the dressing tubes when the Teikoku Kagekidan was being formed. I actually proposed the idea to Yamazaki and Kazuma a long while back when we were still in the Tai Kouma Butai."

Ayame's ears perked up at the mention of their old colleagues. "What did they say?"

"Kazuma just stared at me looking as if he had a slight revelation," Yoneda answered. "You know how he is. I'm pretty sure he thought it was a good idea, but that it sounded impossible to do because we haven't really got the technology back then."

"And… what of the major, sir?"

"Yamazaki? He told me that his brain cells would rot if he ever tried to make the ideas of a perverted old man come to life, and to leave the inventing to someone else with good sense and a great deal sober," Yoneda replied, roaring with laughter. "Of course, he probably just said that because he didn't want to be disturbed from his work on the koubus."

Ayame bit her lip, but allowed a restrained smile on her face; it was the best she could do to not just simply burst out laughing at her superior officer. "I see."

"Ah, if they could only see these now. I really think they would believe the time and money invested on them is well worth it."

_Time and money, maybe, but I'm not quite sure about the psychological investment on the girls' part…_ Ayame thought, though she didn't dare say it out loud. "There were many… _difficulties_ encountered at the beginning, sir, but yes, they do appear to have been worth it."

"If we didn't have to bring the new captain up to speed, we probably would have been able to deploy faster," Yoneda commented, referring to the latest addition to the Hanagumi who was their newest captain, Lieutenant Junior Grade Oogami Ichirou.

"I'm admittedly rather surprised the dressing tube worked out well with him, sir, despite the fact that we haven't _introduced_ it to him yet," Ayame said, having noted that – as the lone male member of the Hanagumi – Oogami had actually been the very first male to have descended the tube. He had looked stunned as he had exited, landing firmly on his chest (he seemed to share the same problem Sakura did...), but he probably hardly had the time to digest it properly since he had other surprises in store for him.

After all, the feeling of relief that he had not actually been demoted to being a mere ticket clipper fresh out of military school most likely weighed more heavily to him than machines reaching out to undress him.

That was the current theory, at least.

"We'll have to thank the girls for that. I'm sure they're rather glad all their past efforts had paid off as well."

That was also most likely true, although Ayame thought that the Hanagumi had been staring a little bit _too_ eagerly at what they knew was the exit to their new captain's dressing tube…

"Now that I think about it, don't you think we could improve _our_ time as well?" Yoneda surmised.

Tsubaki, who was seated nearby with her fellow Kazegumi, dropped her pen in shock. Yuri's jaw dropped open, and Kasumi squirmed in her seat.

Even Ayame looked quite uncomfortable from where she stood. She certainly did not like the direction where the discussion was moving to _at all_. "What… what do you mean, sir?"

"Think about it! We could shave off _minutes_ from _our_ response time if _we_ used the dressing tube as well! If we could sound the alarm earlier, then deployment would be even faster! Efficiency at its best, Ayame!" Yoneda explained, looking very much excited with his idea.

"…you're not proposing that all of us here in the control room should have designated dressing tubes as well, are you sir?"

"Why not? We have plenty of room!"

"The overhead map begs to differ, sir!"

Yoneda snorted. "If we followed _that_ map, then the hidden rooms don't even exist!"

In fact, nobody could still figure out how the hidden room or the dressing tubes fit into the Teigeki's over-all building plan.

"I do wish you would think this over more carefully, sir, especially since you're not you-"

"Nonsense! If Oogami could do it, so can I!"

A vein threatened to pop on Ayame's forehead. _Are you sure you're not just jealous of him?_

"The fact that we can reach those in need faster is a good enough reason to do this, right?" Yoneda nodded to himself. "So, Kasumi, could you get in touch with Kanzaki and get him to send over his people here on the double? I'd like to have those new tubes installed as soon as possible."

Ayame tried one last argument. "Shouldn't you try the existing tubes first to see if they're really suited for you?"

"I already like the tubes, Ayame. After all, I'm the one who came up with them, right? And I do so love the results I see. I do not need further convincing."

Kasumi stared at the steam-powered phone in front of her, not at all unaware of the horrified look on Tsubaki's face and of Yuri shaking her head from side to side, as she reached out towards the receiver with shaking hands…

.

* * *

.

Yoneda frowned and sniffed disapprovingly as he stared at the two new tubes that had just been outfitted into the wall of the hidden room. "Just two?" he asked. "Currently set for Ayame and me? How about you three? Shouldn't it have been five?"

"They only had enough supplies to create two, manager. The rest will come as soon as the materials are delivered," Kasumi answered, almost too immediately.

A suspicious Ayame would later discover by browsing through the expense reports that Kasumi had really only requested for an additional two new dressing tubes. Theatre gossip would further reveal that she had done so because she had hoped that Yoneda would change his mind; there was no point in spending more money than absolutely necessary for this little "experiment"…

"Meh… well, can't argue with that. Well, Ayame? Let's try it out!"

Whatever may be the case with Kasumi's disobedience, Ayame was left wishing that only _one_ new tube was created.

Having gotten used to the Hanagumi's initial reactions with the tube just prior to going inside, Yuri was quite disturbed with the level of _eagerness_ their manager was displaying. It even seemed to exceed Kohran's when she had first visited. Yoneda acted like he was about to play with a toy he had longed to have for so long, and yet only got it now.

For Ayame, she couldn't help but think that Shinguuji Kazuma and Yamazaki Shinnosuke got off lucky, and wondered if it would be too late to join them…

Of course, Yoneda went into his tube first, laughing all the way.

* * *

.

"Mother said father mentioned in one of his letters that Uncle Yoneda's age and drinking habits 'appears to have caught up with him' and that 'his mind seems to be starting to wander into strange territories and giving him odd ideas,'" Sakura said.

Once again, Ayame had to bite her lip so that she wouldn't burst out laughing.

Oblivious to her superior officer's predicament, Sakura continued. "Perhaps Uncle Yoneda's idea that he could go down the dressing tube despite his old age is one of those moments father was worried about?"

The Hanagumi had gathered in the second floor salon after just having arrived from the hospital, where Yoneda was taken after his little joy ride, this time howling all the way about his aching back.

"Well, maybe Uncle Yoneda just didn't want to wear his uniform underneath his regular clothes anymore..." a thoughtful Iris asked.

Her team mates looked at her with eyebrows raised, wondering how Iris knew about _that_ information, and worrying if they should start questioning if they actually had any dignity to show towards the powerful little psychic. Especially the only male member.

"I mean, that's gotta be how Uncle Yoneda and Ayame get to the briefing room so fast even without the dressing tubes. Isn't that right, big sister Ayame?" Iris innocently inquired.

Ayame merely smiled.

Oogami stroked his chin. "So how come we can't wear our uniforms underneath our clothes and just simply take them off when there's trouble?"

"And sweat underneath all those layers of clothing? You have _got_ to be kidding, ensign!" Sumire practically growled. "Besides, do you really think I could wear my uniform underneath my _gorgeous_ kimono?"

The Hanagumi captain fought the urge to say that wearing the uniform would at least help prevent people from thinking that Sumire always seemed to be in a constant state of undressing.

"Will the manager try again after he gets back?" Maria asked.

The vice commander shook her head. "I doubt it. The doctor said his back wouldn't be able to take it. And even if he did, I wouldn't let him."

Sumire crossed her arms. "What in the world made him think that he was young enough to land on his feet after those monstrosities spit him out, anyway?" she commented.

"But what would happen to those two extra tubes now?" Sakura wondered.

Ayame sighed. "Well, we already paid for them, so they'll just have to stay there until they're needed."

"... Why won't you use yours, Ayame-san?"

All the women stared at Oogami, contempt written all over their faces. Sweat pored all over his face as he wondered what he had said that made them hate him _this_ time. "W-what?"

"Pervert!"

"Lecher!"

"I'm disappointed with you."

"Big brother is a bad, bad person!"

And with that, everyone turned their backs on him and marched out of the room.

"Whaaat? We already paid for it! Wouldn't it make much more sense to use it?" Oogami defended, crying out towards them, though no one paid attention as they walked further away.

Still, there just might be some truth to what the girls had said.

After all, for some strange reason, Oogami just couldn't seem to vision himself falling down the tube, and always saw Sakura instead.

.

_- OWARI -_

_.  
_

* * *

Next Chapter:

Goraigo at 9.8 m/s^2

* * *

_.  
_

_Post Author's Notes:_

For those who had not read it, in the official manga, when Oogami was "introduced" by Sakura to the dressing tube, the poor man was essentially pushed down by Sakura feet first into the gaping hole (and, much like the reactions of most of the Hanagumi in this fic, was rather horrified by his first experience on the way down). And yet he still somehow came out head first. Much like Sakura in the PS2 version, except she does it the other way around.

And then, going back to the game, even though the player plays from Oogami's point of view, we always, _always_ see Sakura coming down the tube instead.

Oh, Oogami, you really _are_ a pervert! :D


End file.
